How a Seminar Transformed My Understanding of Love
Are You Sacrificing Your Happiness for Family Loyalty?
As I sit down to reflect on this week’s TurnAround, I can’t help but think about the fascinating parallels between the 1970 Blakemore and Cooper Kitten Experiment and our own lives.
From the ways we nurture, educate, and guide our children,
to the manner in which we express our beliefs and perspectives,
to our interactions with others and yes, even our voting choices.
So, what does a bunch of kittens raised in two different worlds have to do with the deeply ingrained loyalties we hold toward our teachers, parents, and community?
The answer may surprise you.
Reflecting on this experiment illuminates how our personal journeys are also shaped by the environments we grow up in.
Each one of us has been conditioned by the messages we’ve absorbed from our parents, teachers, and society at large.
The ways we perceive our world—be it horizontally or vertically—stem from our upbringing.
Those formative experiences chart a course for how we see ourselves and interact with others, often without us even realizing it.
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Now let’s dig into the critical theme of loyalty.
I recall the profound impact of Pia Mellody’s 1985 talk on co-dependency, which I attended as a high school guidance counselor. At that point in my life, I believed I had resolved my childhood wounds.
Yet, as Pia broke down the complex dynamics of love and loyalty—particularly how we sometimes conflate abuse with love—it became clear to me how deep-seated loyalty can keep us tethered to pain.
Like the kittens, who as grown cats, couldn’t adjust to a different visual landscape, many of us remain trapped in a cycle of acceptance regarding the hurt inflicted by those we love.
I’ll never forget a conversation at my high school reunion, where a friend recounted how her parents abused her.
She brushed it off as though it was normal, insisting,
“Oh, I deserved it.”
In that moment, I realized how often we rationalize harmful behaviors in the name of loyalty.
What struck me that day was the realization that this is not love; it is a distortion—a trap that keeps us stuck in the generational legacy of inflicting pain to teach a lesson.
Recognizing this pattern changed my life forever, but it required a willingness to confront hard truths and break free from the limitations of my previous beliefs.
That was the day I stopped giving my parents a free pass into my psyche.
And yes, I learned how to confront, non-confrontationally.
I became an adult who was able to call out hurtful, harmful behavior not just for me, but for the kids I was advocating for.
So what about our relationships with our parents?
Are we expected to sever those bonds in the name of honesty and self-protection?
Not at all.
In fact, gaining insight into their authoritarian mindset and learning to disagree with it didn’t damage my connection with them; instead, it liberated me from the misconception that I deserved their harmful treatment.
This newfound understanding empowered me to confront not only them but also two abusive aunts who felt entitled to unleash their unfiltered and intentionally hurtful criticism on anyone bold enough to challenge them.
There is no excuse for abuse!
-James Lehman
This Week’s TurnAround is: Loyalty Must Be Earned
This week, I challenge you to reflect on who you’re being loyal to and why.
Are these relationships enriching your life, or are they undeserved burdens?
It’s time to confront this loyalty, not through “all up in your business” confrontation but rather by employing my MAPit Micro System—an approach that encourages non-confrontational dialogue and understanding.
If we want our lives to improve, we must be willing to learn and unlearn.
We have to be open to breaking the generational cycle of pain—whether that means reevaluating our loyalties or embracing new perspectives. The answers we seek often lie in the intersection of what we know and what we have yet to discover.
Let this be your invitation to expand your view, just like the kittens in that experiment.
When we bring together the horizontal and vertical worlds—allowing space for growth, change, and healing—we can create a life filled with clarity, compassion, and joy.
So, let’s step off that beaten path of misguided loyalty and embark on a journey toward authentic connections and an empowered life.
Today is your day to rise—don’t let past experiences dictate your future. Choose love that uplifts and empowers. Choose to be free.
And above all else, ease into this.
Reaching out …
PS … As you delve into the refreshing perspective on loyalty and the transformative power it holds, I encourage you to take the next step.
Imagine transforming those explosive situations into moments of connection and understanding. My Micro System is designed for individuals like you—passionate adults dedicated to the growth and development of today’s youth.
Embrace the opportunity to learn more about how to confidently defuse conflicts and foster healthier relationships by visiting MaryReynolds.com/MAPit to learn more about my MAPit Micro System.
This engaging online mini-course is designed just for you, packed with invaluable insights that will help you reclaim your time and energy.
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